But for a moment...

He woke up with a start as he felt his nose turn snuffy. He'd been sleeping belly down and arms folded with his face nuzzled in his elbow. He realised that his forearm was warm and covered with sweat although the heat in his studio apartment was down and it was winter. He had been in this position for over thirty minutes and it was starting to hurt. He was starting to feel warm under his sheets and badly wanted to kick them back and stretch his legs. He dared not.

He raised his head a bit to see him sleeping peacefully. He was on his side and his alabaster skin shone softly in the moonlight streaking through the window. His forearm was stretched and his fingers were agonizing centimeters away from his lips, barely grazing elbow. He let out a breath of air with a hiss and parted his lips ever so slightly.

It was torture he couldn't stand a moment longer yet he wanted this moment to last an eternity. In all the time they had spent together so far, never had he felt such an intense passion to be so close nor had he felt so weakened by a magnetism he never knew existed between them. He looked back at the times when they'd been out checking guys on the street or at the waterfront on summer days. He remembered every single time he had picked up the phone to get excited about yet another first date only to call back the next day and bitch about it. He remembered never wanting to get off the phone when they chatted and always agreeing to meet up at a moment's notice. All along, he'd known deep down that he harboured fond feelings but the night had just revealed just how strong they had grown. He closed his eyes and remembered their kiss one more time. He couldn't recall anything being sweeter. And yet...

The pain was too much now. He raised his frame gingerly and slid out of bed. He paused for a minute to stare fondly at the sleeping form on the other side and then walked into the next room. He threw himself on a chair and sighed loudly.

"Something's changed."
"What do you mean?"
"I can't face him again. It's different..."
"What are you talking about? It's him. Nothing can be different"
"No, it definitely is. I crossed the line last night. I know I did. I don't know what got into me!"
"Calm down......tell me what happened..."
"Well, you know I've always had a little thing for him. I mean, of course I loved him as a friend but sometimes...sometimes it just felt so right, you know? Like, we just made sense together. Anyway, I never let him get wind of my feelings because he was taken. I could never cause them to break up. I mean, they are my closest friends in town."
"Are you really sure they are together? I mean, the whole thing looks somewhat fishy to me.Isn't she straight?"
"She is but he's out to her. Plus, I really do believe that he swings both ways like he's told me. I didn't at first but the more I see them together, I just can't help but think that there is no reason why this woman would want to be with him if he were just gay. And let's not forget, she is pretty hot and could get any man she wants."
"Be that as it may, women don't let their men wander far from their sight. Does she even know that he spent the night here?"
"No...I don't think so....I don't know"
"So what happened anyway between you two?"

He looked into the mirror and saw his palms rubbing his forehead.

"It was well past midnight by the time we finished watching his dvd.", he sighed. "It was Saturday night anyway so we chatted for a while before he glanced at his watch and contemplated making a move. I told him he should just spend the night here since it was starting to rain outside and she was away visiting her sister in Colorado anyway. He talked about having to wake up to go to church in the morning and I thought it made sense to just save time and have him sleep here."
"You wanted him to, didn't you?Admit it!"
"Yes!I DID!"
"What were you thinking?"
"I wasn't!", he spat out."I wasn't thinking, ok? All I knew was that we'd had a great evening as always and I did not want him to go.Not just yet."
He softened and his gaze fell.
"Well, he agreed to stay anyway. I offered him something comfortable to wear but he insisted on sleeping in his clothes. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and when I got back, he had stripped to his boxers and climbed into bed. I was somewhat surprised but I didn't say anything. I climbed into bed and we chatted some more after I killed the lights. He suddenly remembered that he needed to set his morning alarm and I groaned in protest. "Sorry!",he chirped sweetly and reached over me for the bedside clock. I snatched it from his reach and hid it behind under my pillow. "Hey!", he exclaimed and dug his hands on either side to reach for the clock."
""Just go to bed! It's Sunday. Don't make me wake up to a morning alarm", I said.
"Give..that...to...me!I can't miss church". He was trying to pry my hands open and we were now rolling in bed as I tried to fend him off.He had gotten behind me and his arms were around me."
"We were giggling like silly boys. His fingers were on my hand and I felt my grip relax. My fingers unfurled and our palms met. I looked up to see his face. His eyes were closed and I felt his warm breath as he buried himself in the nape of my neck. "
"It was pleasure like I had never felt before. I don't know how to describe it. I felt like we were joined in every way and every nerve in my body was tingling with that realisation. My fingers dug into him like I couldn't hold him close enough. His lips started to caress me. I closed my eyes and let the insanity take over...."
"Wow, it's hot in here! Don't give me every disgusting detail,you skank!"
"Relax", he sighed. "I just needed to relive that moment for a second. Actually, it only lasted a moment."
"You didn't do anything more?"
"Our faces drew closer and his lips were on mine. It was the most perfect kiss I could have ever had. I felt myself grow weak his arms and I loved how he held me tightly. I suddenly peeled myself away and held his face.
"Wait!I can't do this. I think we should ...you know...I mean,what would...", I said.
"She say?",he finished my question."Relax. It's ok really. We sort of have an understanding. I told you she knows that I'm bisexual."
"That's not the point.", I countered.
"She also knows that I like you a lot."
"I knew that .."
"No, I mean that she knows I 'like' you. I've always found you to be pretty cute."
"You do?", my heart skipped a beat.
"Well yeah,heck you're cute and I've always told you I'm baffled that some guy hasn't snatched you away yet. The times when you used to tell me about your dates, I'd secretly be jealous. I've told her how I'd totally want to get together with you sometime. She'd be cool with that."
"What sort of 'understanding' do you guys have?"
"Well, early on, we figured out that we were always going to find other people attractive physically. I mean, I am bi and she's this sexually open woman!What else would you expect? We decided that we didn't need to let sex define our relationship. We were free to be with other people physically as long as we had each other for everything else. We also decided that we didn't need to involve the other person by telling them every single thing unless they asked about it. Sort of like a 'don't ask don't tell' thing. I don't know....does that make sense?"
"Don't ask don't tell? Are you really ok with that? I mean, you guys have no idea where the other person's been. And what if ..."
"I'm not saying it makes perfect sense. Really, it doesn't have to work for everyone. I mean, I am all for people living their lives and dealing with their relationships any way they want as long as it works. We just figured out that this works really well for us. Take sex out and it is much less frustrating or confusing.And it isn't like we are sleeping with the neighbourhood. I mean, I can't say for sure but I don't think we have really been with over 2-3 people in the past year.Of course, we're always safe in whatever we do. I know you probably didn't think we could be this way. Does it bother you?"
"I....no, it doesn't. I mean, well....maybe a little bit. Ok it does bother me. I mean, everyone thinks you are soo there for each other and..."
"We are. We just didn't want to let our sex lives be the thing that proves it. Trust me, she would not mind it one bit when she finds out. This is a lot better than meeting someone discreetly."
"I don't know...",I hesitated as he started to stroke my forehead.
"Can we just finish that kiss we started?", he drew closer again."Or are you not..."
"It's not about that. I LIKE you."
"Then what's the frickin problem?"
"NO!", I sat up."You don't understand. I like you. I mean, I really like you. At some point, I've always wanted you. I just didn't realise it at first but even after I did, there wasn't much I could do, was there?"
"You..what? I never had a clue!"
"Well, good for me,right? I didn't want you to know. Believe me, it was tough to keep it to myself. I mean, the times I used to see you two together..it killed me! I felt like I should have been the one who got to kiss you and hold you and fight with you."
"Shit!I ..I'm sorry!Are you sure you feel this way?I mean, maybe you've just been too lonely ?"
I shook my head."You're the person I want to take home and introduce to my folks!Every time something happens, you're the first person I wanted to tell. That one time when you guys were here to help me hang some pictures, we were arguing-you and me. She said we made a cute couple. You made some funny joke but I thought to myself, damn it we do make a couple. We should be together and we would be if she hadn't gotten you first!"
"Well, what's changed now? I mean, you still like me,right?Don't you want to see what this can be like now that we finally got together?It'd be pretty amazing,don't you think?And really, she wouldn't mind. Especially knowing that it is you..."
"It would be amazing.I know that. That one kiss alone left me shivering. If we got together tonight, it would make for one amazing night which I'd never forget. But I don't want just one amazing night. I can't just be a page in your secret black book of experiences even if you chose to share it with her. You guys might be happy with the arrangement you have and maybe it works for you. I can't say I have figured it out but I certainly can't be just another guy in your list. I like you far too much for that."
"I...I don't know what to say. I get what you're saying but ....", he struggled for words helplessly.
"It's not your fault. It's not like you made me feel this way on purpose. I couldn't stop myself from falling for you. I can't let myself fall down any further knowing that I am never going to be the one you come home to. I mean, I could never ask you to do that for me. I love her too much to be a home wrecker."
"No, I am not leaving her. I mean, we're very happy. But, God, I wish there was some way I could make you happy too!"
"You've given me more than what I could've expected. You're my best friend. You have no idea how much I bank on you for everything. Let me not spoil what we have. Believe me, if I had any shred of dignity or common sense left in me, I'd stop us from falling down a slippery slope that I could never climb out of even if she got you out."
"No, I'd never do something you weren't comfortable with. I really respect what you said. I just wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.I mean, I didn't realise I wanted you so much until tonight!The intensity took me by surprise but if this is something you don't want to do, I won't say or do a thing. I just worry, is this gonna be awkward now? Moving forward?"
"Maybe a little. We'll have to find out. We'll deal with it anyway. For now, let's just go to bed. I think we might feel better in the morning."
"Ok.You're right.", he sighed. "For whatever it is worth, I'm really sorry!You know I still care for you very much?"
"Yeah I do. And it is mutual. That part will never change...don't worry."
Leaning over, he kissed my forehead and whispered goodnight. "

****

"And you guys fell asleep?"
"Pretty much. Well, he did. It took me a while. I pretended to sleep but I couldn't.In some way, I wish we'd never had this moment. At least, I would have never found out what it felt like to kiss him. I mean, I could have imagined his body to be covered with warts or something! Honestly, I've never wanted someone so much and felt so terrible after getting them. It's like absolute joy and pain at the same time. Knocks me out.."
"I know. I know. But you know what you have to do. You know you're not going to give in.And you're also going to have to tell her.Well,someone has to. Just so I can be at peace. "
"I know.", he sighed."I'll figure that out later. Right now, I just want to sink into a blackhole somewhere."
"Go sink back into bed before you do something crazy. And watch what you say to both of them moving forward. You need to keep your emotions in check."

He slipped back into the bedroom and opened a window. A cool draft blew in and he felt ready to climb under the sheets again. He stretched his frame and glanced sideways to see his beautiful face one more time.
"I love you" he whispered.
He turned to his side and buried his face as the tears rolled into his pillow.

MAD tv - Bon Qui Qui at King Burger

Ooh..don't laugh at Bon Qui Qui!
RUDE!

Bollywood Bachelorette

Raakhi ka Swayamvar!

Oh there are so many things wrong with this ! It pains me and kills me to decide where I can begin! In particular, allow me to direct your attention (if you can peel your eyes away from the image of this sultry siren) to the videos posted on this site.

Miss Raakhi Sawant claims she is but the perfect combo of Miss India+Mother India as she gazes coyly and admits that she is now seeking a suitable patidev. Let him come from any corner of the earth! Riches dont matter but then, they dont hurt either! Above all, does he have it in him to sweep her off her feet?After all, she IS Raakhi!

Sigh...the irony....

Facing an open book

As annoying as its applications can be, Facebook does tend to get people addicted to it. I don't care a rat's hinny if Joe Schmoe were to throw a sheep at Chuck Schmuck. Or for that matter, who really wanted to know what comments friends were writing off to one another. Are we trying to bare it all?

But I digress as always! There is one particular application on this obnoxious networking site which somehow amazes me everyday and leaves me wanting to see more. Here's what yesterday's Astrology Prediction application had to say for me:

It doesn't matter what your family thinks today, there are just too many romantic opportunities to pass up. You may find yourself involved with a partner that your family disapproves of but you'll enjoy yourself immensely if you allow yourself to follow your heart.

It is pretty eerie how the application tends to predict my state of mind even if it is off by a day or two.

Why am I sharing this here? Am I daring myself to go a little further every day?Or am I daring the people around me to come one step closer?Am I being reckless by throwing caution to the winds?Or have I finally found security to know that my faith is unshakeable?

I don't know. Ultimately, I just want to share.It is as simple as that. I am tired of the awkward "umms" and "aahs" as my feet shuffle. I am tired of that constant pining that eats me inside.We can all find anonymity online or in the real world to help us don masks, seek distance and hide our true selves. Ultimately, we still yearn to connect and share by throwing sheep,fending with chairs or blogging after midnight.

Today,supposedly things are brighter!

It will be an excellent day for partying, socializing and getting together with friends. Art, music, drama and dance are all good distractions. If you are single, it would be a major crime to sit in the house alone today. You could be missing a wonderful opportunity.

Superman and MakdiMati

On an otherwise mundane Friday afternoon when time seemed to have stood still at work, Miss Kitty directed my attention to this scintillating video of a desi version of Superman and his Lady Love. Methinks barring Mukesh Khanna in ShaktiMaan, Govinda could not have been a better fit for a desi superhero needing to sport supersized briefs outside his pants (Nacho Libre meets Tantex!). Ah and clearly, that rocks the world of his premika-the svelte Spiderwoman (henceforth named MakdiMati)!

Points of observation:
1.As romance blossoms at 30,000 ft, the superhero couple surveys the scene in Bombay to ensure all's well. Robotic heritage is apparent from the way heads turn to sweep a 70-degree field of view. Who dares say that such superheroes arent from another planet?!
2."Tu mera superman! Tu meri lady!"....Superheroes prefer simplicity.
3.Always stay in shape and that means butt-workout in the middle of a disco-style duet.
4.Fun and dance is great but duty comes first!Place song on hold to rescue damsel in distress. Hunt for said damsel's spineless boyfriend and hand her in his charge before returning to song+dance.
5.Change locations every few minutes. No dearth of parks!
6.Quickly identify trendy party to crash, regardless of location. You are superheroes.You can get anywhere.
7.Make MakdiMati show some mast moves to ignite fantasies of common layman and sadak-chaap type log.



God bless the 80s.

For better or for worse...

"This is so childish!", Sagar called out."I know you're in there. Why can't you just come out?"

He'd been standing outside for over 20 minutes and the heat wave was killing him. "Atleast let me in,dammit! I stay here any longer and I'm going to turn as dark as you!"

He knew that should do the trick. Eshwar hated it when people compared his complexion with Sagar's. Their oddities combined had ensured a friendship which has lasted several years. Sagar knew he could bank on that to take liberties at times and shower abuses at will. 

Sure enough, that afternoon he heard a lock unlatch and Eshwar stuck his head out. "I'd gladly let you wait out here for the rest of the evening but I don't want your parents to pound on my door tonight when they see their darling prince sweaty. What do you want?"

"What do I want? You haven't been seen in a week!You stood me up for that stupid charity event I signed up to help your friend Ritika. We were counting on you to finish the  Thermodynamics assignment due Tuesday.And you wanna know what I want? I want your ass roasted in this midday heat,that's what I want!Frickin moron!"

"Ok ok, stop yelling. It's bad enough that you're in my face trying to drag me out. Can't a guy go underground for a few days? Noo...Mr.Sagar has draw him out and drag him to every damn thing in his fancy life."

"You're lucky I do that in the first place. You wouldn't even have a life otherwise, you big fat hippo!"

"Screw you!I want you to apologise for saying that!"

"Apologise? Ok...I'm sorry you are fat!"

"Humph!I wonder where you come up with lines like that!"

"You know, I pull them right out of my ass!"

"No wonder they stink!"

"SCREW YOU!". But by this time, they were both laughing and they knew how much they had missed this camaraderie.

"So what's her name?", Sagar quipped."You wouldn't be in hiding for such a long time if it weren't for a girl who made you painfully shy."

"I can't talk about it this time. Not yet, atleast."

"Well at least tell me something about her! Have I seen her somewhere?How do you know her?"

"We hang out a lot. Pretty casual, you know.We just talk casually and it's fun."

"Hmm...so you guys are just friends?Nothing more?"

"I don't know. I'd like to take it further but I'm not sure."

"How long have you known her?"

"Oh .. off and on...a few months. Maybe more..."

"You weasel!You've known her for a few months and you haven't told me yet?"

"LOOK, I said I didn't want to talk about it.Let's just drop it, ok?"

"Whatever!If I'd been seeing a guy for a few months, we would have had an anniversary by now."

"If you'd been seeing a guy for a few months, it'd be snowing in Chennai considering you barely see a guy for 3 dates!"

They had been walking around the neighbourhood for a while and they stopped under a tree. Sagar spotted a man selling coconuts and he bought a large, raw coconut for himself. The water inside was warm but delicious in the midday heat. His head bent over, he sipped through a straw noisily.

"OK I'm sorry!", Eshwar spat out. The delivery made the apology quite unconvincing.

Sagar shrugged his shoulders and continued to empty the coconut, knowing the noise made by his straw was driving Eshwar mad.

"This person is really great. I just didn't want to jinx things up. I really care for our friendship and I don't want to end up losing that. That's why I've not made a big deal about this so far."

"That's fine. Whatever." Sagar was busy scraping tender coconut peels.

"And you're not the kind of tramp I said you were!Cut me some slack!"

Sagar glanced out of the corner of his eye.

"So why are you so hung up over this girl?Does she even have a name?"

"We just click,you know? I really enjoy hanging together with this person. We have a good time and we do a lot of fun things together."

"Think she feels the same way?"

"I don't know. I don't think so....I mean, how do you know for sure, right?"

 "Well, sometimes you just can. You gotta watch for the signs. Girls are pretty expressive when it comes to that, you know"

"Yeah but..oh,forget it. It's complicated."

"There's an original line. No wonder even match-making sites have started to offer that as an option when you try to pick a status on your profile. What could be soo.."

"You don't get it!", Eshwar cut him short."Things aren't always the way you see them, ok?We all handle relationships differently and what's right for you doesn't work for everyone! You might be able share everything under the sun with your guy but that doesn't mean I can do the same with mine!"

Sagar looked away and took a deep breath.

"I thought I'd ask some friends about what I should do.So let me ask you this. Don't tell me what you yourself would do. Tell me what you'd do if you were me."

"Look, I mean...I don't know...I can't...that's not fair. You know I'm pretty opinionated about these things.", Sagar fished for words.

"It's ok.", Eshwar insisted."You're not going to be forcing me to do anything.I'm just curious to find out what you'd do in my shoes.I've talked to some people and they've had lots of thoughts.They aren't friends you might know. Sometimes it helps to get an outsider's perspective."

"Well, at the risk of being an outsider myself here, I guess I'd just gauge things based on body language first. I mean, if you are really unsure about telling this person and you want to test the waters first, you should probably read body language. People can't fake that. You just know when someone is trying to send you signals to take things further ahead. I don't know....what did your other friends say?"

"Well their opinions were all over the board.", Eshwar sighed."Some of them felt I shouldn't risk it 'coz they felt it was not going to go anywhere. But a lot of people said I should just follow my heart and go for it."

"Well, ordinarily I'd say the same thing but I really think you should take some time first and try to read the signs you are or aren't receiving. It might help prepare yourself if, I mean...you know."

It was now Eshwar's turn to look away. 

"Look, I'm just watching out for you. I don't want you to risk everything and get hurt tomorrow."

"Umm...no that's fine. I understand.", Eshwar mumbled.

"If you still want to come clean, that's fine. Just be cautious and see the signs first,ok?"

"Yeah.I..I'll figure it out."

They had arrived back at Eshwar's house and the afternoon sun had cooled to an acceptable temperature.It was still very warm but the sunshine felt good.

"Ok, I'll have to go finish that Thermo-D assignment you were supposed to complete for us. The gang is meeting at Sunil's place in an hour."

"Yeah, sorry about that. I didn't mean to ditch you guys.In fact,I'll try to.."

"Nah , that's ok", Sagar brushed his offer aside."We'll finish it but can you please get out of your depression? You could put a basset hound to shame."

"Oh just get lost!", Eshwar grinned. "I'll see you in class on Monday."

"Yeah, see you then."

Sagar walked out into the street punching digits on his cellphone and tripping over a small rock simultaneously.Eshwar watched him leave and sighed.

Silly fool! How dumb are you? I wish I could tell you that it is YOU!I can't even say that to your face. I don't know if you've figured things out.Nah, you probably haven't. But why did keep harping about signs?Are you trying to tell me something?I wish I knew! Wish I had the guts but I love you too much to do this. Isn't that ironic? I love you too much to tell you!

Sagar reached the corner of the street and turned around. Eshwar was standing at his doorstep, leaning on the wall casually. He waved and Sagar waved back before he disappeared around the corner.

Poor Eshwar! I feel so terrible! I can't believe you've had feelings for me!ME! I mean,when did you even know? I thought you were always straight! You've always been my straight man-friend. I just couldn't see you any other way and I couldn't even tell you that I knew. I couldn't jump to that unless you had mentioned it. I hope you were smart enough to figure out what I was trying to tell you.

Don't make me give you an answer by opening your heart to me. I can't do this to you. I know how sensitive you are. I'd hate to be the one rejecting you but I can't wish myself to be the guy you want me to be either. That's not fair,is it? And you were putting me in such a tough spot!I wanted to hint at my answer but I also wanted to be your friend and tell you the right thing to do. 

Don't make me pick sides,Eshwar!

The pursuit of happiness

I finally finished reading "The Geography of Bliss" earlier today. I must say that I have a love-hate relationship with this book. There are parts where I loved the author's words, parts where I hated them and parts where I loved to hate what he had to say.

In a nutshell, the author hitherto known as the 'Sully Scribe' and decidedly proud to claim himself to be eternally depressed/unhappy, now intends to explore the 7 continents , traverse distant seas and scale peaks to locate the places in the world where people are happiest in general. The romantic expedition has all the trappings of adventures accompanied by epiphanies and revelations one dreams to realise at some point in one's otherwise dreary life. Strangely, as I bore deeper and deeper into this book, I had to acknowledge a growing sense of resentment...no, restlessness is the right word. SS probably tried to fight this same feeling before deciding to quell it by setting off on his journey. As much as I'd love to follow his lead, I don't have an inexhaustible source of wealth, the amount of vacation time or the comforting cheer from family (wonder how excited his wife was about this idea) to go country-hopping for months. The result is aggravated restlessness which needed to be addressed swiftly before my flaky witless alter-ego took over and executed some crazy decisions ("Mr.Manager?I QUIT!That's right.I'm off to HappyLand!")

The Sully Scribe heads to Holland which houses a 'Happiness Institute' (dedicated to the study of happiness) in ironically bleak buildings. Clutching a list of countries which lead the world in claiming to have happy residents, SS visits over 12 countries and spends time talking to their citizens from all walks of life and strata in society. The effort is well-appreciated and just when you near the end of every chapter anticipating a profound truth from that culture, the author wraps it up with a succint 360-degree perspective about what makes that country tick(or not tick) without actually describing how that relates to his quest. The observations he makes about people in a country far outnumber the reasons he quotes to explain why his quest does not end there. Nor does he completely clarify another interesting question. What would he do once he locates Utopia?Relocate with his family?Return to America and spread the good word?

After reading several accounts of his travels in Qatar,Thailand,Iceland and other lands, it seems highly unlikely that our dear SS would ever feel completely at peace in any one place. The book progressively gave me the feeling that he was making the same mistake millions of people do the world over (and have been doing for centuries)-striving for active change to ensure happiness. People change homes,change jobs,change partners,change lifestyles and even change themselves all the while hoping that there has to be something better out there that they're missing out on. Change itself is not a bad thing but change in pursuit of a better good needs to be coupled with good reasoning. What is this better good that we try to strive for? A new home? More luxuries?A better relationship?Can that change really ensure the longevity of that better good?

After sailing the seven seas, our dejected SS returns home and talks to several people from his home city of Miami who decided to move to Asheville NC. "Is this home?", he asked them after seeing how happy they were with the move. "It is for now.."

The book does a great job of describing people and their way of life. Does the author find what he's looking for? Probably not. When he returns to America, you expect him to sit back and sigh, "Home is where the heart is". I doubt he has decided to end his quest in Miami or anywhere in America.

Hinduism does a noble job of addressing this issue to a considerable extent. The things which have the potential to make us happy (sukham) or unhappy (dukkham) are not ultimately powerful enough to sustain. These are fleeting changes in the expanse of a lifetime and they are more aptly defined as pleasures and displeasures. Pleasure can be a source of endless joy for some people and pleasure can be disturbing for many depending on that source. Regardless, pleasure is not happiness-what we call bliss(anandam).

When we make changes to our lives, we tend to focus on sukham more than anandam-immediate pleasure over lasting bliss. This might be a subconscious decision which we happen to realise much later. If we are to attain bliss (and ofcourse that isn't easy), we need to awaken to the realisation that one goal cannot exist in the presence of another. Bliss doesnt come through a steady source of pleasure.Nor can the quest for pleasure deliver something blissful. We aren't perfect beings and so we make our choices and remain 'content'.

The Vedas also decry the purpose of desire. Desire develops an attraction which lends itself to a fixation and eventually an obsession. This obsession plagues our mind, and rids us of our intellect. What hope do we have left after the complete loss of our senses? While this makes perfect sense, how does one tackle the pursuit of happiness? The scriptures encourage us to seek bliss (ananda not sukha) and unite with Brahman, the universal spirit. How then does one deal with the desire to attain bliss? We could heed to the words of the Gita and perform our duties with no expectation of their fruits whatsoever. Does that still justify the presence of this desire anyway? I have no further answers and if you do, please tell me.

Another reason why this book got me restless is because I have always struggled to come up with my own definition of 'happiness'. I now understand the difference between pleasure and bliss and while I certainly haven't uncovered the secret to a blissful existence (for me), I am unable to define what could even come close.

One time in 7th grade, we were asked to use a pin-up chart and come up with answers to the question, "What makes you happy?". Today I can tell you what makes me joyful, feel content, feel at ease,feel pleased and even feel pleasured. When I know my family is safe, I am content.When I know people love and care for me, I am comforted. When I see or do an act of kindness, I feel good or rewarded. But I still don't know what makes me happy.

Do you?