Sunday, January 18, 2009

Dawning

12.24AM.
I just got home after watching "Slumdog Millionaire", the new movie featuring a rags-to-riches story of a boy who grows up in the slums of Mumbai. While an objective review of the film could take me several hours, I must honestly admit that my first thoughts might get tainted with impulsive indignation about the poor light in which the city of Mumbai and the people of India are graphically portrayed. For those reasons, I'll refrain from attempting a review. I cannot criticize the director for being so brutal with his camera. Nor can I sigh in exasperation when a western audience gasps in horror at the sight of stark poverty, the likes of which they either do not see in their countries or choose not to. Life is what it is and things in India are the way they are. A million things contribute to their functioning and you really cannot expect to understand it unless you have lived in their midst. I can neither make accusations nor offer explanations since I am one of several million Indians who are aware of this economic disparity but do little more than comment in a safe environment or make a small donation to a non-profit organisation they might trust.

But I digress. What I can comment about is in fact something more lucid and indeed sublime.  The patriot in me often ignites in argument,protest and rage whenever my country and its people are cast in an unattractive light. I am learning to acknowledge that as much as I pride in my heritage, I cannot deny the existence of a plethora of problems which gain intensity mostly due to inaction. Thus it happened that I adopted restraint in the movie theatre when people around me turned away or let out soft cries when harsh scenes of wretched poverty burned in front of them. However, the same audience watched the movie for the story of a young boy, not for an education about cosmopolitan Indian living. They cried when he pined for his love just as much as they cried when he was beaten on the streets. When the movie ended, a soft applause broke out to celebrate the portrayal of a human story that transcends social differences, economic disparity and religious intolerance. That moment somehow triggered me to remind myself that we are indeed all human, no matter how trite that sounds. We want and need the same things in life, although they might be on different scales. And while prejudices may always exist between societies, they cannot prevail for long when individuals connect instead.

The other thing I noticed tonight was a truth more fleeting and definitely, more personal. There is a scene in the movie where Jamaal, the protagonist,  is on his way to the game show which might make or break his destiny. Stuck in a traffic jam, Jamaal looks out of the window of the car and is momentarily bewildered when a woman recognizes him on the street. Cheering him on his success, she exclaims,"Go win the jackpot, my son! May you have my blessings!".

To me, this scene alone was powerful enough to pack everything that is about Indian culture in a few seconds of cinema. The chaotic traffic  surrounding Jamaal reflects a complex amalgam of differences that thrives in Indian culture. The differences scream out much like the horns of vehicles which blare incessantly. A layman on the street walks on indifferently, weaving his way through this mess just as millions of Indians deal with the vagaries of life they are all too familiar with. It takes a person to get into a bubble in this chaos and observe what surrounds him to understand the bigger picture. Jamaal's bewilderment mainly arises because this is the first time he has been able to step out of his world and experience something more. Recognition for him has always brought pain or abuse. For the first time, he is recognized in fame. For a moment, he forgets about his nondescript existence and observes the functioning of the masses. For me, it took a journey away from home to pause and ponder the same way.

The revelation turned more poignant for me when the woman called out to Jamaal and blessed him with luck. The simple sequence plucked my heart's strings as I thought about all of my parents' friends and even other strangers who automatically became my 'uncles' and 'aunties', old ladies who became 'grandmas' and men a few years older who became 'brothers'.  A certain oneness exists between us as we acknowledge friends and acquaintances as family members do. The warmth that I felt when I heard this woman call to Jamaal as her son is a feeling I can never hope to describe perfectly but fully expect other Indians to understand. I don't mean to trivialize the beauty of human emotions in western cultures but this is a sublime emotion which I have so far experienced only in India or with other Indians. To me, the scene was powerful enough to make me yearn for my own mother and marvel at the unshakeable faith she has in my prosperity (as any mother would have for her child). When I speak to her over the phone and reveal that I am battling a cold or getting depressed at work, she tells me my troubles will vanish for she will pray for me. They might not, at least not the very next day. But hearing her say those words is immensely healing. And trite or not, the heart pines to hear such words of comfort from those dear to it. 

To this day, when people bless me as they'd bless their own children, I am humbled and struck by the power in this parental instinct which forms emotional bonds in the absence of biological ties. So powerful is this emotion that it made me rush to my computer and battle with words to try convey it in the wee hours of the morn. So powerful was this scene in the movie that it will forever evoke a tear for me every time I watch it again, much like it did tonight.

...."For in the dew of little things, the heart finds its mornings and is refreshed."

2.00am

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Truth be told...

Nikhil paused his typing to look up and catch sight of him. Tarun was every bit as handsome as Nikhil had hoped he wouldnt be. Concealing tinges of lust and other emotions, Nikhil dropped his head to focus on the typing and steal glances without being too obvious. Tarun was chatting up with the baristas as he ordered a drink to go.Success hadn't been served to Tarun on a silver platter.Atleast, that's what the tabloids had to say. Graduating with top honours from the University of Madras,he had opted to work for the state's ruling party instead of taking a more convenient and lucrative opportunity to head west and seek his fortune in law school. The decision paid off in due course of time and at 33, Tarun was one of the youngest persons to enjoy the distinction of serving the Chief Minister in his team of advisors. It wasnt just his age which set him apart. Tarun brought a refreshing perspective to politics hitherto governed by conservative players. He never ceased to question why or accept compromise. The media celebrated his success and had already touted him to be one of the youngest successors to occupy the country's highest chair.

That day, his sudden presence in the coffeeshop hadn't gone unnoticed.Whispers started to float around and pretty soon people started to crowd around him. Nikhil peeped out the window to peer into the posh Beamer which purred by the sidewalk. Instantly he turned back and chided himself for his cheap curiosity. He had promised himself that he'd never resort to such fanaticism, even on the low side. Not in this case atleast.

"Do you think he's really gay?I don't believe that! It'd be such a shame!"whispered a girl at the next table.
"I don't really know. I read somewhere that he once had a girlfriend and that she might be suing him soon.", her friend hissed.
"Well I for one don't believe it. I'm sure some trashy magazine started that rumour to create gossip. Some lucky chick must have nailed him somehow.These yuppies always find a chick.Can you imagine what a fantastic wedding that could make for?I wonder if its going to happen soon!"
"It's not!", blurted Nikhil.
"Who told you?", the girls looked in his direction.
"I just know he isnt getting married.I know that for a fact."
"Bullshit!What are you?His best friend or beer buddy?"
"He is seeing someone. But there definitely isnt going to be a wedding."
"You know who he's seeing?"
"Yeah, uh...someone I know". Nikhil wondered why the word 'friend' didn't come out easily.
"What's her name?Come on!"
"His name.",Nikhil corrected," And I'm not going to tell you. Leave them alone."

He shut down his laptop and packed his stuff hurriedly. The girls were now snickering and giggling animatedly. The last thing he wanted to deal with right now was a pair of teenage girls gossipping about a gay romance. Walking out of the coffeeshop, Nikhil's thoughts returned to the estrangement he had subconsciously acknowledged. He was surprised that his mind had chosen to stick to the truth even though it hardly made a difference to the girls how Nikhil knew Tarun's boyfriend.

He strolled into a mall and tried to lose himself in a sea of faces. The drone helped him zone out and focus his thoughts in an unusual silence. It was this same mall where Rishi had met him to talk about his first breakup. Nikhil remembered the bench they'd sat upon when Rishi sighed in frustration at the end of a 4 year relationship. The chaat-stand they stopped at where Nikhil bought him some pani-puri and stuffed them in his face to bring a smile, the fountain where Rishi had claimed Nikhil to be his best friend, the parking level where he had hugged him tight before saying goodbye-Nikhil cursed his memory for remembering every minute detail of their friendship including all of their outings,conversations,moments of frivolity and goodbye hugs.

Sauntering over to a familiar table,Nikhil sat down and toyed with his earphones distractedly. He didn't notice a mass of bags occupy the seat across him and jumped up with a start when a voiced popped "Boo!".

"Priya!Jackass!"
"You were a sitting duck really. If I didn't know better, I'd love to make you feel more miserable right now, moron!", chirped Priya. She was one of Nikhil's closest friends and confidante."What's with the long face? I've seen basset hounds look more cheerful."
"Nah, just lost in thought."
"Good, keep 'em to yourself. Nothing works better!"
"Y'know, there's a free lecture tonight at the local community college about getting in touch with your female sensitivity. You should attend that.Maybe they can help you find where you lost yours."
"That's ok, Nix.You probably picked it up right where I tried to lose it!"
"Oh screw you.."
"So hey, I ran into Tarun Raghavan at Mocha Joe's nearby. Handsome man ! I'm gonna let him know that my evenings are wide open for him!"
"Yeah right. And they arent the only things about you that are wide open either!"
"Shut up!Anyways, isn't he seeing Rishi? I thought the two of them were something of an item now.How's Rishi, by the way? What's he upto?"
"No clue. You probably see Rishi more frequently than I do"
"That's weird. I thought you guys were like really close", Priya commented absentmindedly as she flipped through a menu.
"We were.But we hardly see each other these days. He must have forgotten me. " muttered Nikhil.
"Maybe you just pulled his leg too much. You can be pretty nasty sometimes.Ooh its been ages since I've had dahi vada. I am so gonna go for that right now!". Her attention had shifted to the menu.
"Definitely not the case. That fellow's hide is thicker than a buffalo's!"
Priya shrugged and started to flip through a magazine after placing her order with a waiter.
"He's just that sort of person, you know? Kinda flakey. Latches onto someone before he finds someone else.", Nikhil continued.

"Haven't you guys been friends for almost 2 years now?"
Nikhil felt his ears turn red and warm up. He felt ashamed for sounding petty.

Rishi could be very flakey and Nikhil's patience typically wore out with flakes very quickly. He preferred suave to silly.But it was this particular imperfection which Nikhil found endearing with the charmer.In Rishi,he found it easier to deal with things in a laidback manner, something Rishi had perfected.

"Yeah I know. It's not like we had an argument or something. He just gets distracted easily. I mean, look at his boyfriends. First there was Milind, Mayor of Flake city! Then there was the philosophy major who couldnt stop complaining about the world.And Chetan, the silly twit who could lose to a 5th grade student in an IQ test! "

"Why do you care so much?If he wants to date jerks,let him! That's his problem."

"I don't have a problem!", Nikhil spat out."I just feel sorry that he has to waste time with such guys.I mean, it shouldn't take more than 1 date to figure out that none of them really have what it can take for Rishi to enter into a relationship."

"Including Tarun?", Priya quizzed.

"Why not?I mean, it cant be easy dating someone so famous."

"They've been together for several weeks now , right ? Give him some credit. Maybe he has learnt to be smarter. And anyways, why are you so hell-bent on quickly spotting something which these guys lack?". Her eyes narrowed in curiosity.

"I just...I mean, I'm only trying to watch out for him.", Nikhil flustered.

"You sure about that? Seems like someone might be a tad jealous..."

The realisation bothered him.He was never one to openly admit a fascination for another person and he certainly had no intention of letting Priya find out about..

"You know you can never have him."
"Huh?"
"Tarun. If you're jealous of Rishi because he's dating Tarun, get over it. You're never going to get that lucky. He's wayyy out of your league!"
"You know its amazing I actually bother to even seek your advice!" Nikhil spat out. His pulse was racing.
"Oh come on, I see through you. You criticise Rishi every time he starts to date someone.Secretly you're happy when he breaks up soon and it's not some platonic bullshit about you wanting something better for Rishi. You just cant stand him finding someone and settling down before you do so yourself. And Rishi being in a relation reminds you that you're still single and alone. And after a string of losers, Rishi has found someone so awesome that your jealousy is getting the better of you. Grow up, ok?"
"You're out of your mind!",Nikhil bellowed. "You think I am jealous of him? He can date a movie star for all I care."
"Look Nix,I don't know why you're single. You're a prize package and any guy would be lucky to have you.I know you didn't expect me to tell you that but I do believe it and I'll only admit it on occasion. But you need to learn to be a bigger person here. You cannot let your own feelings of self-pity turn into spite this way. And Rishi is a good friend, for God's sake! You think he'd feel this way about you if you were dating Tarun instead?"

Nikhil buried his face in his hands."Maybe he wouldn't. But then who knows what he'd feel. I can't remember the last time we hung out. He probably wouldn't care if I were to date someone famous...". It was petty but it felt good to say it.

"What a baby! Cheer up and go find a date for yourself. And stop sulking,will you?You could put off a drunk guy this way!"

"Oh go stalk someone!", Nikhil muttered and stretched out.

"Anyways, I gotta run. Prithvi wants to go see a movie. Wanna join?"

"Nah you go on. I'll hang out here for a bit. Clear my head..."

"Call me if you change your mind. I'll see you later then.."

Priya hurried off leaving Nikhil at the table, confused, irritated and slightly guilty.

He knew he should have been more supportive. As flakey as Rishi could be, he had always sworn his affection to Nikhil, ready to take the blame and apologise whenever he screwed up as a friend. Nikhil also realised that a lot of his frustration came from his own impatience with Rishi-that he never learnt from his mistakes...in their relationship as well as in Rishi's love life. He should learn to control it and be a better friend,he decided. Priya was right.He needed to become a bigger person.

But why couldn't Rishi see things clearly?Why did he have to jump from bed to bed, carrying pieces of broken heart everywhere? It bothered Nikhil that his frustration was getting the better of him. It bothered him even more to realise that the frustration completely concealed something Priya had almost hit upon,but not quite.

With resignation,he looked down at the scribble his car key had made on the table and he hugged himself tightly.

It hurts so much,Rishi....hurts so much.

Friday, January 9, 2009

The way I see it....

fart=fancy snooty art
obnoxious=rudely get in your way and knock you over
symphony=singing pretentiously
ridiculous=group asking to be made fun of
idea=Drunk Australian proudly claiming to have 'scored'
style=fancy waiting rows for pigs
folly=person on a downward journey (usually painful)
dynamite=something you might die from
mermaid=listening device to pick up soft conversation
ipod=treatment facility for people with low self-esteem
laptop=petite escort
juicy=firm affiliation to Israel
radish=almost cool (will be in a few days!)
supper=1.teenager ; 2.bouncer at a bar
xenophobia=fear of the alphabet ending in "x"

Monday, January 5, 2009

For Auld Lang Syne

As I shut the door after the last of my guests had departed,I turned around to wade through party hats,confetti and balloons to sink into my couch and stretch. The evening had turned out to be more fun than I'd expected it to. With a sigh of exhaustion,I realised that this was the beginning of yet another year, yet another collection of stories for my journal, yet another endless string of lonely nights, moments of exhilaration,  possible triumphs,probably heartbreaks and infinite expectations.

Somehow, it seems like several years have passed in the last 365 days. I have learnt to be more independent than I have ever been in the past.I have made new friends, lost out on some old ones, made mistakes, felt pain and pride. My travels took me to the ends of the continent from icy slopes to alligator-infested waters. My confidence in my professional capability has soared even though prospects themselves have ebbed beyond belief. 

Above all, I have come to realise that I am now ever so closer to that moment I once dreaded but now am excited about. It will not be easy but it will have to be done. The wait has made me a stronger person who will not cower to pressure or yield to guilt. Every day I have learnt to be true to myself and expose that truth to the ones who truly love and care for me. 

I have not completely conquered my fears and perhaps that won't be such a bad thing. I have been fortunate enough to meet the kind of people this past year who have vowed to be there for me when the time comes and shoulder me in the aftermath. I am touched that they are anxiously waiting to hear from me when the time comes.

There are moments when people promise to be there for one another. In time, the intensity of their promise wears away and is replaced by the awkwardness of reconnection. Sincere words disappear and trite expressions save the day."I know! It's been ages!","Yes we must do lunch soon!""Definitely,we'll visit you guys soon".

But when friends make promises and check with you frequently to find out when they can be there for you, those are the moments you should treasure and revel in the joy of knowing that you are loved unconditionally.

Fortunately for me, these were the people who were present with me to ring in the new year.

Probably my most important one ever....