In a different light

At precisely 1pm, I trudged along the concrete walkway to the cafeteria as irritated geese honked at my disturbance. The day was no different from a thousand others I'd spent here. And yet, my fingers felt cold and clammy. I knew I was about to do the right thing.Then why did I feel so uncertain about it? A surge of envy took me by surprise as I looked at busy heads around me-walking towards the cafeteria,walking back to work,huddled in gossip or staring seriously at the ground. In an immature way that we often feel but seldom share, I wanted to become one of them. I wanted to shake off this bravado which clung to me and return to my mundane existence.

I waited in line at the soup station to pick up yet another cup of the daily selection-the same choice paired with a bread roll overpriced for its size. There stood the lady I loved to hate. I didn't know her name.I had never had a conversation with her ever before. I knew nothing about her job. Nor could I explain why I was so fixated on this baseless prejudice. All I knew about her was what she presented to the world every day between 1 and 2pm at the cafeteria. A picture of immaculate poise and grace. She maintained perfect posture when she occupied a seat at the table by the window.She spread her food,water,book and reading glasses on a tray and carried them in a way that made the engineers around her look like slobs as they tried to stuff food cartons into their gym bags. She had never worn the same outfit twice in the 12 months that I had been noticing her. Her outfits wove a fine thread of class with subtle hints of style,fun, professionalism and adventure and they seemed to reflect the many moods she might possess every day as her emerald eyes concentrated on her hard-bound book.

Bubbling malicious thoughts were momentarily curbed by an approaching figure which I spotted from the corner of my eye. He was a handsome young man and he strolled in a manner which befitted his relaxed persona. I knew everything about him, just about. I knew his name was Jake and that he worked as a writer. I knew he had a girlfriend,Megan, who enjoyed having him accompany her to cooking classes. I had heard stories about his brother in Albuquerque, his student years in Vermont, his adventures on a cross-country trip and his plans for the future. Infact, I felt like I knew more things about him than he ever realized.

"Good workout,Jake?"
"Hey,how's it going? Yeah not a bad workout!",he replied.

He didn't know my name. I knew he didnt because he had never ever asked me. Nor had he ever tried to introduce me to another person who might have been around. And yet, he'd talk to me about everything under the sun.

"I wanted to head out of work early today" he continued. "Meg wants to go to this poetry reading tonight. I don't really care for it but we kinda had a bad fight last night so I'm trying to be the nice boyfriend!", he grinned.

"Oh thats a good idea", I said. You dont know my name!

Paying for my lunch,I walked back outside to an area where several tables sat unoccupied. The sun was out today but the air was nippy. I flipped my book open as I tasted a spoonful of soup. I knew I wasn't going to finish reading it in time for our book discussion group's meeting. I was about to put my spoon down when I jerked my hand away in surprise. A tiny spider, small but ugly nevertheless, crawled from under the book to the paper napkin I had spread out for my spoon.

I love all animals, well almost all of them. I dont have a huge tolerance for insects and frogs. And I particularly hate bugs. I wasn't going to kill this one but I didn't need him disturbing my lunchtime reading either. The chauvinist in me assumes that any intruder from the animal kingdom typically tends to be a male,unless examined closely.Taking a deep breath in, I blew directly into his face, picturing myself to be a massive giant wreaking havoc on a hapless soul. I didn't want to crush him to death but I wanted to give him enough of a chance to survive a windy gale.I felt no remorse.

As my lungs gave out, I was surprised to see him rooted to the spot. He paused for a few seconds and then continued to scurry cautiously across the napkin as if bombs might explode under his feet any instant. My amusement turned into irritation. I wasn't going to let a bug humble me. Taking another deep breath, I blew from the rear so that he might get taken by surprise. My shoulders slouched in exhaustion. He was still there.

Pushing him with the edge of the napkin, I tried to force him off the side of the table. Had it been any other bug, I wouldn't have thought twice about flicking him away. But the sight of the ugly spider trying to climb over the moving napkin hurt my eyes even as my fingers moved without conscience.

I pushed him off the edge a few times and he came crawling right back. The feeling of guilt was overpowering and my uncharacteristic nature chilled me. My own imperfections are my darkest secrets and I'd sooner join the rest of the world in denying them rather than acknowledge their existence.

I wanted to put an end to my ordeal. I waited for a few moments as the spider's legs moved cautiously. I wanted him to be caught unaware. Summoning one last deep breath, I blew strongly at his many legs. He struggled to maintain his balance but his legs gave way and he vanished into the air.

I leaned over to check if he had fallen on my slacks. The last thing I wanted today was a thin trail of spider goo staining my crisp cream slacks. My eyes fell out in amazement.

Curled into a tiny speck of a ball, the spider was elevating himself as his front legs worked furiosuly to pull his body up a strand of his saliva which remained suspended from the edge of the table. After he gained strength, he positioned himself and swiftly rose to the edge of the table once again. Pausing for a few moments, possibly to regain his composure, he proceeded to scurry across a paper desert and finally sink into a small crevice on the surface of the table.

I stared at the crevice in shock, wonder, amusement and finally in shame. I looked around to see if spectators had been witnessing this sadistic torture. There wasn't a soul in sight although I was pretty certain Miss Perfection sitting at her table indoors would have judged me with her cold green eyes.

I closed my book and gulped down my soup as quickly as I could. I wanted to get away. Scurrying back to my office, I locked myself inside and sat behind my desk, staring into my computer lost in thought.

Finally, I pulled open my drawer and opened a file. I retrieved my resignation letter and tossed it into the shredder.