But for a moment...

He woke up with a start as he felt his nose turn snuffy. He'd been sleeping belly down and arms folded with his face nuzzled in his elbow. He realised that his forearm was warm and covered with sweat although the heat in his studio apartment was down and it was winter. He had been in this position for over thirty minutes and it was starting to hurt. He was starting to feel warm under his sheets and badly wanted to kick them back and stretch his legs. He dared not.

He raised his head a bit to see him sleeping peacefully. He was on his side and his alabaster skin shone softly in the moonlight streaking through the window. His forearm was stretched and his fingers were agonizing centimeters away from his lips, barely grazing elbow. He let out a breath of air with a hiss and parted his lips ever so slightly.

It was torture he couldn't stand a moment longer yet he wanted this moment to last an eternity. In all the time they had spent together so far, never had he felt such an intense passion to be so close nor had he felt so weakened by a magnetism he never knew existed between them. He looked back at the times when they'd been out checking guys on the street or at the waterfront on summer days. He remembered every single time he had picked up the phone to get excited about yet another first date only to call back the next day and bitch about it. He remembered never wanting to get off the phone when they chatted and always agreeing to meet up at a moment's notice. All along, he'd known deep down that he harboured fond feelings but the night had just revealed just how strong they had grown. He closed his eyes and remembered their kiss one more time. He couldn't recall anything being sweeter. And yet...

The pain was too much now. He raised his frame gingerly and slid out of bed. He paused for a minute to stare fondly at the sleeping form on the other side and then walked into the next room. He threw himself on a chair and sighed loudly.

"Something's changed."
"What do you mean?"
"I can't face him again. It's different..."
"What are you talking about? It's him. Nothing can be different"
"No, it definitely is. I crossed the line last night. I know I did. I don't know what got into me!"
"Calm down......tell me what happened..."
"Well, you know I've always had a little thing for him. I mean, of course I loved him as a friend but sometimes...sometimes it just felt so right, you know? Like, we just made sense together. Anyway, I never let him get wind of my feelings because he was taken. I could never cause them to break up. I mean, they are my closest friends in town."
"Are you really sure they are together? I mean, the whole thing looks somewhat fishy to me.Isn't she straight?"
"She is but he's out to her. Plus, I really do believe that he swings both ways like he's told me. I didn't at first but the more I see them together, I just can't help but think that there is no reason why this woman would want to be with him if he were just gay. And let's not forget, she is pretty hot and could get any man she wants."
"Be that as it may, women don't let their men wander far from their sight. Does she even know that he spent the night here?"
"No...I don't think so....I don't know"
"So what happened anyway between you two?"

He looked into the mirror and saw his palms rubbing his forehead.

"It was well past midnight by the time we finished watching his dvd.", he sighed. "It was Saturday night anyway so we chatted for a while before he glanced at his watch and contemplated making a move. I told him he should just spend the night here since it was starting to rain outside and she was away visiting her sister in Colorado anyway. He talked about having to wake up to go to church in the morning and I thought it made sense to just save time and have him sleep here."
"You wanted him to, didn't you?Admit it!"
"Yes!I DID!"
"What were you thinking?"
"I wasn't!", he spat out."I wasn't thinking, ok? All I knew was that we'd had a great evening as always and I did not want him to go.Not just yet."
He softened and his gaze fell.
"Well, he agreed to stay anyway. I offered him something comfortable to wear but he insisted on sleeping in his clothes. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and when I got back, he had stripped to his boxers and climbed into bed. I was somewhat surprised but I didn't say anything. I climbed into bed and we chatted some more after I killed the lights. He suddenly remembered that he needed to set his morning alarm and I groaned in protest. "Sorry!",he chirped sweetly and reached over me for the bedside clock. I snatched it from his reach and hid it behind under my pillow. "Hey!", he exclaimed and dug his hands on either side to reach for the clock."
""Just go to bed! It's Sunday. Don't make me wake up to a morning alarm", I said.
"Give..that...to...me!I can't miss church". He was trying to pry my hands open and we were now rolling in bed as I tried to fend him off.He had gotten behind me and his arms were around me."
"We were giggling like silly boys. His fingers were on my hand and I felt my grip relax. My fingers unfurled and our palms met. I looked up to see his face. His eyes were closed and I felt his warm breath as he buried himself in the nape of my neck. "
"It was pleasure like I had never felt before. I don't know how to describe it. I felt like we were joined in every way and every nerve in my body was tingling with that realisation. My fingers dug into him like I couldn't hold him close enough. His lips started to caress me. I closed my eyes and let the insanity take over...."
"Wow, it's hot in here! Don't give me every disgusting detail,you skank!"
"Relax", he sighed. "I just needed to relive that moment for a second. Actually, it only lasted a moment."
"You didn't do anything more?"
"Our faces drew closer and his lips were on mine. It was the most perfect kiss I could have ever had. I felt myself grow weak his arms and I loved how he held me tightly. I suddenly peeled myself away and held his face.
"Wait!I can't do this. I think we should ...you know...I mean,what would...", I said.
"She say?",he finished my question."Relax. It's ok really. We sort of have an understanding. I told you she knows that I'm bisexual."
"That's not the point.", I countered.
"She also knows that I like you a lot."
"I knew that .."
"No, I mean that she knows I 'like' you. I've always found you to be pretty cute."
"You do?", my heart skipped a beat.
"Well yeah,heck you're cute and I've always told you I'm baffled that some guy hasn't snatched you away yet. The times when you used to tell me about your dates, I'd secretly be jealous. I've told her how I'd totally want to get together with you sometime. She'd be cool with that."
"What sort of 'understanding' do you guys have?"
"Well, early on, we figured out that we were always going to find other people attractive physically. I mean, I am bi and she's this sexually open woman!What else would you expect? We decided that we didn't need to let sex define our relationship. We were free to be with other people physically as long as we had each other for everything else. We also decided that we didn't need to involve the other person by telling them every single thing unless they asked about it. Sort of like a 'don't ask don't tell' thing. I don't know....does that make sense?"
"Don't ask don't tell? Are you really ok with that? I mean, you guys have no idea where the other person's been. And what if ..."
"I'm not saying it makes perfect sense. Really, it doesn't have to work for everyone. I mean, I am all for people living their lives and dealing with their relationships any way they want as long as it works. We just figured out that this works really well for us. Take sex out and it is much less frustrating or confusing.And it isn't like we are sleeping with the neighbourhood. I mean, I can't say for sure but I don't think we have really been with over 2-3 people in the past year.Of course, we're always safe in whatever we do. I know you probably didn't think we could be this way. Does it bother you?"
"I....no, it doesn't. I mean, well....maybe a little bit. Ok it does bother me. I mean, everyone thinks you are soo there for each other and..."
"We are. We just didn't want to let our sex lives be the thing that proves it. Trust me, she would not mind it one bit when she finds out. This is a lot better than meeting someone discreetly."
"I don't know...",I hesitated as he started to stroke my forehead.
"Can we just finish that kiss we started?", he drew closer again."Or are you not..."
"It's not about that. I LIKE you."
"Then what's the frickin problem?"
"NO!", I sat up."You don't understand. I like you. I mean, I really like you. At some point, I've always wanted you. I just didn't realise it at first but even after I did, there wasn't much I could do, was there?"
"You..what? I never had a clue!"
"Well, good for me,right? I didn't want you to know. Believe me, it was tough to keep it to myself. I mean, the times I used to see you two together..it killed me! I felt like I should have been the one who got to kiss you and hold you and fight with you."
"Shit!I ..I'm sorry!Are you sure you feel this way?I mean, maybe you've just been too lonely ?"
I shook my head."You're the person I want to take home and introduce to my folks!Every time something happens, you're the first person I wanted to tell. That one time when you guys were here to help me hang some pictures, we were arguing-you and me. She said we made a cute couple. You made some funny joke but I thought to myself, damn it we do make a couple. We should be together and we would be if she hadn't gotten you first!"
"Well, what's changed now? I mean, you still like me,right?Don't you want to see what this can be like now that we finally got together?It'd be pretty amazing,don't you think?And really, she wouldn't mind. Especially knowing that it is you..."
"It would be amazing.I know that. That one kiss alone left me shivering. If we got together tonight, it would make for one amazing night which I'd never forget. But I don't want just one amazing night. I can't just be a page in your secret black book of experiences even if you chose to share it with her. You guys might be happy with the arrangement you have and maybe it works for you. I can't say I have figured it out but I certainly can't be just another guy in your list. I like you far too much for that."
"I...I don't know what to say. I get what you're saying but ....", he struggled for words helplessly.
"It's not your fault. It's not like you made me feel this way on purpose. I couldn't stop myself from falling for you. I can't let myself fall down any further knowing that I am never going to be the one you come home to. I mean, I could never ask you to do that for me. I love her too much to be a home wrecker."
"No, I am not leaving her. I mean, we're very happy. But, God, I wish there was some way I could make you happy too!"
"You've given me more than what I could've expected. You're my best friend. You have no idea how much I bank on you for everything. Let me not spoil what we have. Believe me, if I had any shred of dignity or common sense left in me, I'd stop us from falling down a slippery slope that I could never climb out of even if she got you out."
"No, I'd never do something you weren't comfortable with. I really respect what you said. I just wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.I mean, I didn't realise I wanted you so much until tonight!The intensity took me by surprise but if this is something you don't want to do, I won't say or do a thing. I just worry, is this gonna be awkward now? Moving forward?"
"Maybe a little. We'll have to find out. We'll deal with it anyway. For now, let's just go to bed. I think we might feel better in the morning."
"Ok.You're right.", he sighed. "For whatever it is worth, I'm really sorry!You know I still care for you very much?"
"Yeah I do. And it is mutual. That part will never change...don't worry."
Leaning over, he kissed my forehead and whispered goodnight. "

****

"And you guys fell asleep?"
"Pretty much. Well, he did. It took me a while. I pretended to sleep but I couldn't.In some way, I wish we'd never had this moment. At least, I would have never found out what it felt like to kiss him. I mean, I could have imagined his body to be covered with warts or something! Honestly, I've never wanted someone so much and felt so terrible after getting them. It's like absolute joy and pain at the same time. Knocks me out.."
"I know. I know. But you know what you have to do. You know you're not going to give in.And you're also going to have to tell her.Well,someone has to. Just so I can be at peace. "
"I know.", he sighed."I'll figure that out later. Right now, I just want to sink into a blackhole somewhere."
"Go sink back into bed before you do something crazy. And watch what you say to both of them moving forward. You need to keep your emotions in check."

He slipped back into the bedroom and opened a window. A cool draft blew in and he felt ready to climb under the sheets again. He stretched his frame and glanced sideways to see his beautiful face one more time.
"I love you" he whispered.
He turned to his side and buried his face as the tears rolled into his pillow.